a little film for a boy I love

Inspired by springtime in my warm city and my immense fondness for letter writing these days; I've produced this little film to throw on a USB and send to my favourite Aussie, lover and friend. There's no simple or easy way to explain how much I love him and feel his absence in my life. This is our second year on separate continents, yet these past four months have felt a little different from the rest. I've exchanged hours and hours of conversation each night, for long days of silence; and envelopes ripping at the seams with written words of love and encouragement from my darling. A little sweet, a little sad, this is my first personal video to ever make it to the internet.
  
(Hey Josh! -I love you near or far!) 

  

With Love,
Lacey

Words from Josh: First Memories

To My Dearest Most Precious Sweet Lacey,

I love you more than I fear I'll ever be able to tell you. They just don't make words for these feelings. I love the memories we have created together, and cherish them as the prized possession they are. I remember the first night I ever met you, you were wearing that white holy-jumper and jeans, you had your hair up at the back and your fringe across your forehead. I remember how exotic and mysteriously beautiful you looked. I didn't even entertain the thought of ever having you. Why would I bother wasting my time even pretending I could have someone as beautiful, eloquent and confident as you? I remember listening to you talk, thinking how funny you were. I remember the awkward embarrassing moment of you walking into my room seeing my nerdy collection of armour and making jokes at my expense, and trying it all on!

I remember my anxious feeling I would get of hanging out with you as I slowly got to unravel the mystique identity of Lacey Hilliard, I was so nervous just to be with you, I didn't even want to sit next to you! I remember trying to distance myself from you, knowing I would never be able to live up to a person of equal worth as you. I still try very hard but feel I fall short. I thank the Lord every day for blessing me with you.

I remember THAT night of all nights. We were in the car, my mind was racing. I was trying to talk myself into it but was scared. Scared of rejection. I remember finally getting up the courage to reach over to hold the hand of the most exquisitely beautiful girl I had ever laid eyes on, and to my disbelief, she held my hand back! I remember the warm feeling that coursed through my body and my heart swell with affection and earning to be with you. What I experienced at that moment I didn't until later interpret as love. I remember darling, my mind to think even further, a kiss. I had to kiss you, but how? Where? And ultimately, how will she react? I devised a plan on that last sad drive full of mixed emotions back to your (nanny family's) house. We got out of the car, I walked you to your door, I looked at you and wigged out at the last minute and went in for a hug. Little did I know that you had other ideas! I remember trying to hug you and you interception me with a kiss on the lips! (And that kiss, turned into two then three...) LACEY! How glad I am that you took that initiative! I refuse to even think of what might have become of us if you didn't do that. I knew right then and there I wanted more of those! And would always want more of those! I walked back to the car, gently touching my lips with my tongue, smiling a big wide goofy smile, I had kissed you.

These are but a few of my favourite first memories of you my love.

Love, Joshua Peter Williams

 

a new kind of apartness.

My Dearest Joshua,
 
Today you left New Zealand for Sydney. It's the day your mission  begins. It's the day I'm realizing we truly are a new kind of apart. The kind where only emails and letters will survive us.
 
My darling, I more than love you, you are my soul.  These past three weeks of apartness I've felt as if my soul has wandered away from me, and my heart is left a little cold. Some nights I lie awake, confused  as to how I can possibly dream when my body has learned to only sleep with my phone tucked between the pillow and my head. I miss your sleepy voice, I miss the quiet silence between us, I miss waking to my face feeling flushed from the heat of my phone.
 
This time its hard. Hard, but not impossible. And this apartness ultimately will only bring us closer together. We're slowly learning to rely on ourselves rather than each other, and learning how to be our own people again. We're still so young, sometimes we forget it, it's nice to feel it again. This time of life we're supposed to feel a little lost and alone.
 
As of now, I'm a little emotionally hungry; I want more than anything to curl my fingers around your face, stare into your pale blue eyes and tell you how much I love you again. It makes me sad, and yet, the sadness reminds me I'm still alive, no longer numb to the pain of being apart. My darling,  I can never fully express how grateful I am for you. All these wonderful things you've taught me about life and love, both directly and indirectly. You've given me a life I could have only dreamed of. And I am forever in debt to you. I know what we're doing is right. I hope you'll smile because you know this is where we belong. The world is changing, and it will change often, only our love remains. I know we are stronger than any time or distance.
 
I love you and it is the beginning of everything.

 With Love, Always,
Lacey

Go Lovely Go.

If you've ever spent time on the ocean you remember your body adapting to the rocking motion of the waves, so much that, when you stand on land it feels as if the ground is the one moving up and down. The past two weeks I've spent so many hours napping on Josh's lap, listening to his steady heart beat and the gentle rise and fall of his chest. Now, as I lay still at night I feel him. My pillow has his heart beat, my blankets move to his rhythm of his breath. As I doze in and out of consciousness there's a part of me that feels we're still together.

Josh and I shared a beautiful last weekend together. Friday night we stayed at the Marriott with some of his family and shared some "excessive indulgence" as he called it. As we sat next to one another and shared an incredibly expensive dinner for two, I looked into  my lovie's blue eyes, tried to tell him just how much I love him,  but as usual, just ended up crying. I woke to the ocean views, a snuggly bath robe and French macaroons for breakfast. From there we mixed things up and headed to a flee market, not exactly the five star resort we had just left. It was scorching, sticky and crowded. We most likely ate fry bread from an unlicensed restaurant. Josh bought a wooden bow and arrows, because he's actually twelve. Then he bought the both of us some of the sweetest fudge slices from Mount Tambourine.  That evening we had "dinner" at  Max Brenners Chocolatier, there we had a chocolate covered plate of Belgian waffles and thick Italian hot chocolate. Sunday was spent amongst our most precious loved ones, Josh's family. There was a Christmas dinner for lovie and I  while everyone could be together. We shaved Josh's luscious locks at a sorry attempt at giving him a mission haircut, the clippers we used didn't like to cut hair, it took nearly three hours and lots of tears welling in my eyes. 

Monday was the day I left my heart in Aus, we woke early to pack my bags and pray they'd be underweight. The ride to the airport is foggy. I didn't cry. Instead I  wrapped my arms around my darling, rested my head on his chest, and said goodbye to my world through the window. After checking my bag we made our way to the international departure gate. We planted our feet a few steps from it and simultaneously squeezed each other and let out a long sob. Not much was said. tears were streaming down both our faces we kissed and held one another and cried. The hardest part about saying goodbye is deciding when to finally let go, deciding which kiss is worthy of being your last, forcing your feet to walk in a direction your heart won't let you, deciding  if you should turn back and run to them, and if you do, hoping you carry the strength to do it all over again. 

I boarded in Brisbane and before I knew it I found myself in LAX.  In my hysterical sobs, sprinting down the terminal with only socks on my feet, trying so desperately to catch my last flight home. The flight we booked only gave me thirty minutes to clear customs and security before boarding the flight home.

My best friend Sarah picked me up, how grateful I am to her for spending her 21st birthday turning my devastating day into a more positive one. Lovie called me at the airport, between my 24 hours of insomnia and his phone call from a land of 3am neither of us remember the conversation. Only that it happened. Lovie perfectly describes my feelings now in a letter he wrote for my plane home,
 "Like ripping off a bandaid and feeling exposed, it's a time we feel raw and naked without each other"

Our relationship isn't an easy one, we are torn by distance, but we love each other with a passion most will never quite  understand. And with that we are worth every minute.  We're strong apart so someday we'll be stronger together.

I love my Joshua Peter. 

With Love, Lacey

20 Years and 1 Day

my lovie,

today you are 20 and 1 day. i wish i could have been there to spend your day with you, but more than anything i wish i had the words to express my feeling towards you. i try but often fall short, or just end up bawling. i believe 20 years and 1 day ago you were brought into this world for me and only me, my soul mate, will you. this love, even fairytale characters would be jealous. you are my love you are my life, and someday you'll make me a wife. 

i think back to the last time i held you close, it was at the LA airport and we were both headed to separate terminals. we were both crying uncontrollably, and i wondered if my heart had ever ached so much. then sitting on the plane and reading the note you left on my phone i was reassured my heart could and would continue to ache for you. that passion, and heart ache and physical aching to be with that person is something few people will ever get to experience, but how grateful i am to fill my heart with such love at such a young age.

i truly believe i love you more than any person has ever loved another. 

i'll cross the world for someone like you.

happy 20th birthday to my favourite person, lover and best friend.

  *i bought lovie a ring with my finger print engraved on the outside, basically so he can go on a crime committing rampage and blame me. also, gotta love josh's upside down 5 for a 2, awesome family.

With love. Lacey.