Words from Josh: First Memories

To My Dearest Most Precious Sweet Lacey,

I love you more than I fear I'll ever be able to tell you. They just don't make words for these feelings. I love the memories we have created together, and cherish them as the prized possession they are. I remember the first night I ever met you, you were wearing that white holy-jumper and jeans, you had your hair up at the back and your fringe across your forehead. I remember how exotic and mysteriously beautiful you looked. I didn't even entertain the thought of ever having you. Why would I bother wasting my time even pretending I could have someone as beautiful, eloquent and confident as you? I remember listening to you talk, thinking how funny you were. I remember the awkward embarrassing moment of you walking into my room seeing my nerdy collection of armour and making jokes at my expense, and trying it all on!

I remember my anxious feeling I would get of hanging out with you as I slowly got to unravel the mystique identity of Lacey Hilliard, I was so nervous just to be with you, I didn't even want to sit next to you! I remember trying to distance myself from you, knowing I would never be able to live up to a person of equal worth as you. I still try very hard but feel I fall short. I thank the Lord every day for blessing me with you.

I remember THAT night of all nights. We were in the car, my mind was racing. I was trying to talk myself into it but was scared. Scared of rejection. I remember finally getting up the courage to reach over to hold the hand of the most exquisitely beautiful girl I had ever laid eyes on, and to my disbelief, she held my hand back! I remember the warm feeling that coursed through my body and my heart swell with affection and earning to be with you. What I experienced at that moment I didn't until later interpret as love. I remember darling, my mind to think even further, a kiss. I had to kiss you, but how? Where? And ultimately, how will she react? I devised a plan on that last sad drive full of mixed emotions back to your (nanny family's) house. We got out of the car, I walked you to your door, I looked at you and wigged out at the last minute and went in for a hug. Little did I know that you had other ideas! I remember trying to hug you and you interception me with a kiss on the lips! (And that kiss, turned into two then three...) LACEY! How glad I am that you took that initiative! I refuse to even think of what might have become of us if you didn't do that. I knew right then and there I wanted more of those! And would always want more of those! I walked back to the car, gently touching my lips with my tongue, smiling a big wide goofy smile, I had kissed you.

These are but a few of my favourite first memories of you my love.

Love, Joshua Peter Williams

 

a new kind of apartness.

My Dearest Joshua,
 
Today you left New Zealand for Sydney. It's the day your mission  begins. It's the day I'm realizing we truly are a new kind of apart. The kind where only emails and letters will survive us.
 
My darling, I more than love you, you are my soul.  These past three weeks of apartness I've felt as if my soul has wandered away from me, and my heart is left a little cold. Some nights I lie awake, confused  as to how I can possibly dream when my body has learned to only sleep with my phone tucked between the pillow and my head. I miss your sleepy voice, I miss the quiet silence between us, I miss waking to my face feeling flushed from the heat of my phone.
 
This time its hard. Hard, but not impossible. And this apartness ultimately will only bring us closer together. We're slowly learning to rely on ourselves rather than each other, and learning how to be our own people again. We're still so young, sometimes we forget it, it's nice to feel it again. This time of life we're supposed to feel a little lost and alone.
 
As of now, I'm a little emotionally hungry; I want more than anything to curl my fingers around your face, stare into your pale blue eyes and tell you how much I love you again. It makes me sad, and yet, the sadness reminds me I'm still alive, no longer numb to the pain of being apart. My darling,  I can never fully express how grateful I am for you. All these wonderful things you've taught me about life and love, both directly and indirectly. You've given me a life I could have only dreamed of. And I am forever in debt to you. I know what we're doing is right. I hope you'll smile because you know this is where we belong. The world is changing, and it will change often, only our love remains. I know we are stronger than any time or distance.
 
I love you and it is the beginning of everything.

 With Love, Always,
Lacey